Review: Decoys (2004)

Decoys (2004)

Rated R for sexuality and nudity

Score: 3 out of 5

Decoys is a stupid fucking movie. It starts stupid, and it only gets worse as it rolls on. Its premise, about hot sorority babes turning out to be evil aliens who kill men by having sex with them, goes from merely sleazy in the opening act to straight-up misogynistic as the film wears on, the tipping point for me being when the protagonist decides to march into the sorority house wielding a flamethrower in a scene that totally didn't become extremely uncomfortable to watch after the Isla Vista massacre, no siree. Its protagonists, save for the token girl among them, are unlikable fratbro douchenozzles to a man. It originally premiered as a damn Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie. This cannot, by any stretch of the imagination, be called a good movie.

No, it's so bad it's good. It never takes itself seriously, instead rolling with every mindless decision it makes and wearing the lighthearted, borderline-comedic-but-not-winking tone that can make even the worst Sci-Fi Channel Original Movies bearable to watch. This is one that I can only recommend for bad movie aficionados, and one that I'm pretty sure has been reviewed by at least one person at Channel Awesome on those grounds alone. But for people who are into these sorts of films, this one is a goldmine.

I could easily sum up the plot with the words "Thots From Outer Space", but in the interest of actually giving details: the film is about a trio of gorgeous blondes, Lily, Constance, and Natasha, who are actually shapeshifting reptilian aliens from Orion's Belt who have arrived on Earth (specifically, in Canada because they love the cold and hate the heat) in order to mate and save their dying race. Unfortunately for humans, their mating ritual involves shoving tentacles down men's throats and freezing them from the inside out. This is bad news for college buddies Luke, Roger, Alex, and Gibby, who, with the help of police detective Amanda Watts (former Baywatch babe Nicole Eggert), must stop Earth from being colonized and taken over by alien space babes.

As you may have guessed reading that plot description, this is a pure B-movie, plain and simple. Unlike many such films, it actually has production values, getting some mileage out of its winter setting and deploying some effective creature effects for when the aliens revert to their reptilian forms when exposed to extreme heat. The cast is decent, even if none of them go above and beyond the call of duty. The direction looks slick, a bit too slick at times but still put together by somebody who knew what he was doing. But none of that can hide this film's incredibly lowbrow inspirations and aspirations. In lieu of graphic violence, this film piles on the tits, our introduction to the villains being stacked with lesbian innuendo and the two main aliens, Lily and Constance (Natasha mostly hangs out at the sorority house), frequently seen in various states of undress as they prey upon the men around them. The frights are ineffectual, amounting mostly to cheap jump scares as the film does little with its special effects. Awful characterization makes the good guys difficult to like, especially our protagonist Luke, who at one point looks like he's being set up to become a villain in his own right in his pursuit of vengeance against the aliens, who are shown to have layers beyond just being evil for the sake of it. This potential plot twist that gave me hope that the film had some smarter ideas in mind, only to squander them and dive into territory that's disturbing for all the wrong reasons as it tried to justify Luke's increasingly outrageous actions (culminating in the flamethrower bit I mentioned earlier).

No, this is a film to watch if you're looking to chow down on popcorn and have a mindlessly good time. You're here to alternatively laugh and cringe at the dialogue, the obnoxiousness of the main characters, the manner in which the alien hotties kill their victims, and the mounting sexism of the whole affair. You're here to smile at the beauty pageant scene that comes out of nowhere. You're here to rock out to a soundtrack of "American Pie-core" pop-punk that you never knew you were nostalgic for. And you're here to cheer the final shot as Luke, after spending the entire movie being rewarded for being an unlikable jackass, finally gets his comeuppance. This movie is pure, 100% cheese, it knows it's cheese, and it embraces the fact that it's cheese.

The Bottom Line

There is no way I can muster any honest defense of this film on the merits of its quality, especially given its intensely problematic subtext. There was a road this movie could've taken to become surprisingly thoughtful, but it forces itself onto the road of dumb... and yet, on the merits of a dumb B-movie, it works. It's not scary in the slightest, but it's funny, it's got plenty of entertaining moments, and it never takes itself seriously enough that it becomes offensive. The next time Bad Movie Night comes around, this should be near the top of your viewing list.